Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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