My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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