Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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