you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
this boner is exhausting
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
