What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
