i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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