So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize