Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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