Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So squirting runs in the family.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
