Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i jhust puked up my retainher.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
