sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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