so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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