he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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