She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
