i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
