I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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