Im at strip club and am horny
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
