I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Holy sore nipples Batman
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
