A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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