Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
