you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
