Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she told me i tasted like america
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
