I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
