Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Please, let me fuck your mom
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
