also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
