"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
