Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
