i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
