Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I intend to get homeless drunk
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize