It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
