I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
