Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
