i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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