If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
