My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
