3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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