Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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