Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
