I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
