youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Alive.
So much puke
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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