I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
