just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
