dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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