I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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