I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
