he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize