you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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