you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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