God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
ttyl tear gas
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
