can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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