you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
