Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
