I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize