am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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