i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
