we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
