I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
