Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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