I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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