paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
