I think my fart just growled at me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
