Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
